


Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow

by bodtlings



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Jearmin Week, M/M, day 3: sickness, i actually cried while writing this kill me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-22
Updated: 2014-01-22
Packaged: 2018-01-09 15:27:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1147612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bodtlings/pseuds/bodtlings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jean and Armin go through their life together until illness disrupts their plans for a future they worked so hard to obtain.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow

**Author's Note:**

> This was a prompt I wrote for Jearmin Week (Day 3: Sickness) and I thought I'd stick it over here on AO3 u v u

Before our final battle, Jean had me abandoning my book in favor of pulling me into the doorway of the dining hall, which was empty except for one table in the middle of the room covered in a silk red cloth. I remember thinking of a million and one questions in my head to ask him, but at the time, I could only successfully and coherently form one. 

“What – what is this, Jean?” My wrist was in his hand, a result of him tugging me along, and he slipped his fingers into the spaces between mine. The grin he gave me never failed to make my heart melt and the sheer  _love_  in his eyes rendered me breathless. His body fluidly moved to stand in front of me, so close that our torsos came in contact, and his free hand gently cradled my cheek with the belief that if he were any harsher, I’d break. His thumb had found a slow rhythm and began moving back and forth against my skin, leaving a trail of heat in its wake.

“Tomorrow is our last battle. Think of this as like a celebration for coming out on top and winning, just like I know we will.”

His grin was still present, but in his eyes I found traces of sadness, traces of “if we don’t come back alive tomorrow, I want this to be our last night together and I want it to be beautiful.” I felt my heart sink into my stomach, but I knew anything was possible – we were prepared for that the minute we signed up to join The Scouting Legion. Either way, it didn’t lessen the fear of the possibility that one of us, both, even, could die in the midst of desperate fighting. I quickly wiped away the thought and closed my eyes, leaning my face into Jean’s light touch. I opened my eyes for a brief moment just to close them again as Jean held my face a bit tighter and leaned in for a kiss. It wasn’t long, it wasn’t fleeting, it was full to the brim with love. It never ceased to amaze me just how much emotion I could feel from him from just a brush of our lips together, perfectly fitting and molding against each other and creating endless fascinating sparks and chemistry.

His fingers, still interlocked with mine, squeezed my hand and his face pulled away from mine sooner than I would have liked. He smirked, noting my pout and rolled his eyes.

“Save it for later, Armin. I’m taking you on a date.”

“To the dining hall.”

“Oh shut up, its romantic enough.”

I laughed and nodded my head in agreement, letting him lead me into the room. Yes, it was the dining hall that smelled faintly of rotting wood and grease, but I fully admired Jean’s efforts in creating a romantic atmosphere to the room. The other tables and benches were pushed against a wall so only the one we were destined to sit at was in the middle. That red cloth caught my eye again, and this time, I noticed the contents covering the majority of it. White candles formed a circle of light at the center surrounded by a plate full of meat and servings of sides that consisted of mashed potatoes, green beans, gravy, and biscuits. A bottle of wine sat between our plates and two wine glasses were in their respective spots at the top right corners of our empty dishes.

My mouth was hanging open and my eyes were wide at the display; I had truthfully only seen this kind of food once in my life, which was when I was younger and my grandfather was still around. He cooked a feast on the night of the one year anniversary of the death of my parents, thinking it a splendid idea to “celebrate the wonderful life they shared and their true blessing”, which was me, their only child. But that was when I was 3 and I barely even remember what it tasted like.

Jean pulled me, let our hands go and waited for me to sit down before he grabbed a cork from one end of the table. Determination swam across his face as he tried to get the bottle opener to get the cork out of the wine bottle, muttering a, “Goddamn this stupid thing, why does everything have to be so complicated” and an “I hate this crap, it shouldn’t be this difficult to have a fucking drink with my boyfriend.” I offered to help but he quickly shook his head and vowed to get the damn thing off. I chuckled and watched him for another minute before a successful pop bounced off the walls and a smile sprung on his lips. 

“Got it!”

“Really, I couldn’t tell.” Jean pouted at me and the lightest of blushes rose to his cheeks. He poured a generous amount of red wine into our glasses before setting the bottle back down and taking his seat.

A serious but hopeful look was next to grace his face as he lifted his glass towards me. “To a safe return full of nothing but happiness and love.”

“I like that.” Our glasses clinked and we each took a small sip before setting them down and delving into the rich foods before us. 

He explained to me, with a mouth half full, that Hanji had helped him get his hands on some meat from the cooks after explaining our situation. They were completely understanding and willing to give it over as a thank you for our service in the military and the simple wish of a good evening, which they also knew could be our last. I made a mental note to thank her in the morning as Jean talked about how good everything was and how lucky he was to be there with me.

We spent the night laughing and smiling and completely wrapped in the essence of  _us_. Everything we meant to each other, everything and anything we cherished was in full view with the idea in the back of both of our minds that this could very well be the last time we have dinner together, the last night we’ll ever spend with each other ever again. And with that thought still lingering after we’d eaten, Jean brought me to bed and sent me into the most blissful state I’d ever been in, muttering my name and  _I love you, I love you, I love you_  on repeat throughout.

He fell asleep before I did, and as I traced my fingers over every angle, every dip, ever curve of his facial attributes, my heart hammered in my chest with the returning fear that we might never get to experience something this wonderful, this pure and beautiful, ever again in this lifetime.

 

* * *

 

Humanity’s victory had finally been sealed when the titans were wiped from existence. One third of our troops had perished, but certainly not in vain, with the heavy burden of survival hanging on everyone’s shoulders finally lifted. 

Jean was safe. I was safe. Eren, Mikasa, everyone, were all safe. Out of our group, the only loss we experienced was Ymir, who died protecting Historia. She jumped in the mouth of a titan before it could reach her companion. It was a blow to everyone from the 104th trainee group, despite her previous wrongdoings to us and to humanity as a whole. She was still a part of our team and her death had shaken everyone up.

I probably would’ve been more devastated had I not been completely overjoyed at the fact that Jean was okay.

We had returned back to the walls with the overdo news of triumph and glory at last. The town erupted in cheers and chants, and as quickly as the citizens and the government could form one, a parade was held and lasted for a full week.

That night though was the one of the happiest of my life. Jean had pulled me from everyone in the crowd once we had returned and brought me to my room. He had locked the door behind him and immediately pulled me to him, wrapping his arms around my body and held me the tightest he’s ever before. He cried into the crook of my neck for an hour, telling me over and over how relieved and happy he was that we were okay, that we could finally live in true peace. At some point, tears had formed in my eyes as well and he lifted his head from my neck and covered me in kisses I never wanted to end. The overwhelming wave of relief hit us like bricks and we lay tangled in each other for the rest of the night, not bothering to celebrate with everyone outside. This was the biggest celebration we needed; wrapped up in one another and relishing over the fact that we were alive, we were relatively unscathed, and we were together.

A lot of people had a change of heart about a lot of things after that. Houses started to be built outside the gates and more people started to move there. Citizens became more accepting of gay couples now that their children could live without fear of the monsters and the amount of people openly admitting their feelings to those of the same sex increased. Various laws were passed for marriage and the military meshed to form two branches instead of three. The Scouting Legion was no more – the name changed to The Watchmen (given by citizens) and they were responsible for numerous jobs such as transporting to outside the walls, general police work, and maintaining order, like the previous Garrison did. However, in honor of all the brave souls who’d lost their lives fighting, the branch kept the emblem of the wings on their backs and wore them with the utmost pride. Corruption throughout the branch had ceased, and the first branch, which still bore the name of Military Police, held onto its previous missions from before the titans were eradicated.

All of these changes, all of these constant positive steps forward in returning humanity to its former glory, stirred nothing but happiness throughout the people. Famine disappeared entirely, the economy expanded, and everyone was free of any worry, any lingering doubt that they’d lose to the titans in the end. Peace settled over everyone and the content feeling spread like wildfire.

We had defeated the titans during the spring of the year that everyone in the 104th squad turned 24. By then, Jean and I had been together 9 years with the rest of our lives to go. 

It was him who proposed.

I had been promoted and given the job of coming up with strategies for defense and the organization of military assets. My tactician skills were rarely needed because the monsters were gone, but my sense of orderliness and levelheadedness didn’t go unnoticed and unused.

I was in my office filing paperwork when Jean threw open the door with a frantic and demanding demeanor. He looked panicked and flustered, breathing heavily from the flight up the stairs, and his outstretched hand along the wood of my door made me tilt my head to the side in confusion while worry progressively built in the pit of my stomach.

“Oh thank God.” 

“Jean? What’s wrong, is everything okay?”

“Peachy. Do you have a minute?” 

“…Depends. If you’re looking for office sex again I don’t have lu –“ 

“What? No, not now, I have something important to show you.” 

“Okay.” I put the papers on the side of my desk to remind me when I returned they needed filing and left with Jean. His habit of pulling me by the hand to whatever destination awaited us took effect as he led me through the brick halls and passed closed doors in the building.

We were almost to the main entrance when he abruptly stopped and spun around, putting both hands on my shoulders and looking at me with such a serious look.

“Jean?”

It took him a minute, contemplation over whatever inner turmoil he had flicking through his eyes, before he spoke. “I love you.”

“I love you too Jean but what –“

“I love you so much it hurts, Armin. You’re my pillar, my foundation. You hold me up and teach me something new every day and my endless fascination with you never subsides. This language will never, ever, create the right words to accurately help me tell you how I feel about you, so 'I love you' will have to be it. You own my heart, my body, my everything, and you complete me. Without you, there is no me.”

Before I could respond, he had pulled me into a quick kiss and grabbed my hand, leading me outside. The sun was hot and the brightness aided in my temporary blindness, which took a few seconds to fade away. As soon as my vision returned to me, all air left my lungs, my knees went weak, and his fingers slipped from mine.

In front of me was a mock version of a beach; sand was everywhere along with a pool generating waves and even a fake tree with splayed leaves stood off to the side. Jean stood in front of me only to drop down on one knee and produce a box from his pocket.

“Armin Arlert, there is nothing more on the face of this Earth that I love more than you and there will never be anything in comparison. I want to spend all of my days, my hours, my waking moments with you and only you.”

His fingers carefully bent the lid of the black box backwards to reveal a silver band with a single diamond embedded in the center.

“Will you marry me?”

I wasn’t aware until after he had popped the question that I was crying. There were actual tears down my face and my hand was clasped over my mouth. At least my hair was in a ponytail and it wasn’t in my face or I  _really_ would’ve looked pleasant.

His smile dazzled me and it took everything in me to choke out, “Y-yes, absolutely, 100%, totally and completely.” If it were even possible, Jean’s smile grew and he jumped up to lift me into his arms and spin me around, laughing. It took me until he set me back on the ground to hear the applause. Apparently I’d failed to notice that all of our squad mates, former squad leaders and commanders were standing around the edge of the manmade beach and cheering. I saw Eren and Mikasa off to the side, waving and screaming congratulations. Jean pulled my face to him, touching our foreheads together, and kissing me with a passion that lit a fire in me.

More cheering ensued before we pulled away and he slipped the gorgeous ring on my finger.

 

* * *

 

 

_In sickness and in health_

_Til death do us part_

Those were the words we promised to each other on the day of our wedding, July 23rd. Our black tuxedos stood out against the stark contrast of whites and blues and silvers surrounding the hall. Beautiful bouquets of blue roses graced the center of every table and gave the room a warm feel, just like we had planned. I remember Jean and I, hand in hand in back of the doors that led to the reception, staring in front of us and smiling. We were about to make our grand entrance into our own wedding party, but before we did, we savored the quiet in the small room before joining everyone on the dance floor. Save for the muffled music from the band on other side, the silence enveloped us and cradled us as a form of congratulations.

Jean turned his body to the side so he was facing me and I did the same.

“You’re my husband.”

“As you are mine, Jean.”

His hand let go of mine in favor of cradling my face, the minor crinkling of of skin around gold eyes as a smile spread across his lips. “I never thought we’d get to do this, ever.”

“I know, it feels like a dream, doesn’t it?”

“Even if it were, I’d never want to wake up.”

My arms found his neck and wrapped around him, pulling him to me for better access to kiss him. He was magic, unreal. He was mine _._ My _husband_.

“Are you ready?” His voice held excitement and anticipation with an underlying tone of reluctance.

“Let’s go.” Our fingers located each other again and it took everything in me to keep my heart in my chest.

We opened the huge wooden doors to the party and watched as heads turned to see who came in. Cheers and clapping and happy screaming surrounded us and I smiled so much my face began to hurt. I didn’t dare wipe it away.

 _“Will the beautiful newlyweds please grace our presence with yours in the middle of the dance floor for your first dance!”_  Eren had grabbed a microphone from the band, whose members were glaring at him, and waved to us. We gave little waves back and I mouthed an 'I love you' to Eren, who gave me a heart formed by his hands in return. _Dork_.

Jean, pulling me everywhere as usual, led me to the middle of the dance floor. My arms once again found Jean’s neck and slid around it while his arms snaked around my waist. We swayed to the song we’d chosen and he hummed along to the tune. 

Eye contact had gone unbroken for a minute into the song before I started crying.

The tears just kept falling and I had no means of stopping them. It was happy crying, but I felt more reassured than anything. My face found Jean’s collarbone and in that moment I thanked whatever god was looking down upon us that I wasn’t a girl wearing makeup and ruining my husband’s tuxedo. I cried into his jacket and felt his arms tighten around me. 

“I love you Armin. I love you more than blueberry pie and ice cream. I love you more than jumping into the lake from the rope on the tree next to it. I love you more than late nights reading books and playing music on your grandpa’s record player and more than lazy Sunday mornings. I love you more than anything I could even think of and I will love you with all that I am for as long as we’re both alive.”

He whispered those words to me and the tears flowed faster. Words wouldn’t form on my lips and instead of trying, I leaned away from his chest to grab his face and kiss him. His hold around my waist grew stronger and his lips held mine, promising of a future and giving all the love we could muster.

 

* * *

 

Five months after we were married I had an appointment to see a doctor for a routine checkup.

Five months and two weeks after we were married I got a call from the doctor. 

Five months and three weeks after we were married I was diagnosed with hypertrophic cardiomyopathy.

There was no cure.

Breathing became a chore and lightheadedness became too common. I’d fainted numerous times and became dizzy even more. My heart palpitations increased and I constantly felt like I’d been running for 30 miles when I just walked across the house.

 

* * *

 

Six months and one week after we were married and I was admitted to the hospital. Jean was a mess by the time I was permanently living there. He never be far away, never let go of my hand unless absolutely necessary. At night, I would move over and he’d lay next to me, stroking my hair and singing to me our wedding song. I would cry for what felt like hours while he wiped my tears and pushed my hair behind my ear. He’d kiss my forehead and wrap his arms around me and tell me he would never leave my side.

And he never did, until the day I left his.

January 15th. 4am.

The thickness enclosing my heart finally became too much and my valves were blocked off, refusing blood access. Somehow, my body had said to me, “Armin I’m sorry, but I can’t do this for you anymore. I can’t hold you up and I can’t hold on.”

I smiled, thankful for the warning and knowing it was my time to go. I looked over at Jean’s sleeping face, calm and worry lines from throughout the day smoothed to perfection.

My hand reached from his chest to his face and I held his cheek while I planted the last kiss to his lips that I’d ever give him. “You were my everything, Jean. I love you more than I ever got to show you and I’m sorry I can’t be around longer. I promise to watch over you, okay? Be good for me.”

My monitor screeched and beeped and before I could hear the nurses rushing in, before I could hear Jean waking up, the line had flattened.

Tears streamed down my face and the last thing I saw were Jean's eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> I cried while writing this tbh.
> 
> Thank you for reading! Comments/questions/anything at all are always welcome, of course!


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